As an avid fan of Jersey Shore, I can now say the climax of my infatuation with the series has finally passed now that I’ve found out Snooki is reportedly pregnant. The future of the series is probably not over, but its ratings don’t stand a chance.
Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is reportedly about 3 months into her pregnancy, according to sources close to the reality star, and you can already hear MTV shuffling through the stacks of cash it will be making from the spinoff shows.
She’ll join the ranks of all the great celebrity moms, such as Britney Spears and Kate Moss. Honestly, it was only a matter of time. I fear for the child’s safety, though.
I wouldn’t be surprised if we see Snooki swinging the baby around by its ankle at the club while fist pumping to house music. Its first formula will probably be a shot, and Grandma JWoww will most likely be stuck with the bulk of the work, especially the breastfeeding. Jionni LaValle, Snooki’s baby daddy, will probably throw a girly hissy fit and be nowhere in sight for the majority of the baby’s infant celebrity career.
In the words of Pauly D, “That’s no way to handle your problems, my dude.” However, if all goes well for Snooki and MTV, the baby will come out of the womb with a fade and blowout, a Situation six-pack, a tan and a Jesus piece.
As for you, Jionni … seriously? Because you couldn’t keep your pickle in a jar, Snooki — the last person the human race wants to multiply — has a meatball in the oven. Then again, Snooki loves her pickles, so it’s not like it’s entirely your fault. Just don’t become another K-Fed.
This whole situation presents a great opportunity for MTV. If they are able to continue this pattern and have their entire cast reproduce like Snooki, MTV could potentially build a Jersey Shore dynasty with multiple generations of guido offspring taking the place of their predecessors.With Snooki becoming the mother of a precious life, we should elect Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino as our next president instead of Obama or the old white men. I can’t help but be filled with hope for the human race.
— Cooper D’Anton is a freshman government and politics major