The campus complainer: the attached-at-the-hip couple

I was recently milling around Stamp Student Union, fighting off the urge to a eat a Big Mac and looking for a spot to post up near an electrical outlet (damn you computer battery, tethering me down everywhere I go!). On my way to the Baltimore Room, I happened upon an awkward sight.

I spotted a coupled seated side-by-side, eating their lunches and talking. The guy had a fork in one hand and his other on her thigh. This conjured up some unpleasant memories from my time waiting tables: Recollections of all of the horrible couples that sit next to each other in a booth rather than across from one another — a move that clearly shows their love will never die.

Most of the time, these couples were a pain to deal with. I worked in a brewery with mediocre food and decent beer, yet, every time one of these couples came in, they acted like they were having a majestically romantic evening in Paris. I was merely a gnat hovering around their table.

The thing is, I don’t trust the guy who sits next to his girlfriend in a booth. It’s not like these people came in and thought, “Hey, let’s mix it up tonight, why don’t we snuggle up next to each other while we eat.” No.

These people ALWAYS sit like this. Why are you doing this? You can’t even make eye contact. If you’re getting each other off under the table while no one is noticing, more power to you. But that’s not what happening. You two just end up making everyone else uncomfortable, especially the person serving you the food.

I also can’t trust this guy because he’s ruining things for the rest of us. Women see this scumbag sitting next to his girlfriend in a restaurant and they say, “Why can’t you be more like him?” What? You want me to be some creepy stage-five clinger? The only way we are sitting like that is if we’re sitting at the bar.

This guy is no doubt a burden on the rest of world. He’s the guy who, with 10 minutes left in class, will remind the professor of that forgotten quiz the class was supposed to take. Remember that homework you didn’t do, but the teacher has yet to ask for it? This guy’s hand will shoot into the air in a concerted effort to make your life miserable on all fronts, reminding the professor in one fell swoop. One day, he’ll be a DOTS employee.

So if you run across a couple like this, steer clear. They’re nothing but trouble. Although, on the plus side, I guess you don’t have to watch her eat.

Taylor Schwink is a senior journalism major and student blogger for The Diamondback

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