While The Lion King and other Disney movies support betrothed love, college students are not so fortunate. We are thrown into the lion’s den (no pun intended) of small talk and forced laughter about the weather. (Here’s a hint, fellas: If it’s not raining fire, I don’t want to talk about it.)
Because our fairy godmother ran late with Cinderella, we must dress ourselves for class, hoping to be noticed by Prince Laxer-bro and Princess Low-Cut-Shirt three rows over. Our pumpkin carriage became Thanksgiving’s pie so we must walk certain routes to class, left to catch our breath before we pass training athletes.
After our bad cologne burns a hole in the ozone layer and our Maybelline mascara runs dry, we score a date. Do we go to the royal ball? Do we cliff dive with Native Americans? No, we are forced to take our date to Looney’s, Cornerstone Grill and Loft or, God forbid, Adele’s.
If we remain dateless, head to a party on Knox Road. Obviously, this is a much better choice. Unfortunately, we’re not special enough to awaken the singing kitchenware so the bumping house music calms us instead — almost as much as the Natty Light. Then through our blurred vision we see it in the corner.
We get a nod from Royal Creeper in the corner. While he is not the sharpest Sperry-sporter in the room, maybe he has a grand castle to take us back to. However, we cannot trust Belle’s innocence and risk kissing a beast. We move on to the next corner.
Pure beauty and perfection stands before us in human form. The words “what’s up” are uttered in our ears. Our hearts drop … or was that the bass?
We then learn they hate the evil queen, Natty Light, just as much as we do. Soul mates. Our search is over. Our lives are complete. At least for a second, until the clock strikes sober and we realize he’s actually one of the seven dwarves.
We part ways without a name and a number. Because we’re too poor to afford glass slippers and swords, we’re left with nothing but a foundation stain and the smell of Axe. So here is where our Cinderella story ends — a far cry from what any Disney movie has taught us.
Is it Friday yet? I’m single.
Liz Laine is a junior journalism major and student blogger for The Diamondback