Campus Complainer: Bunker down for graduation

Hop into my bunker, seniors. The doomsday countdown has begun. This week puts us at four weeks left of classes and when we hit the weekend, we’ll be exactly one month away from graduation. I’ve already started stocking up on cans of beans, bottles of water and boxes of .45-caliber ammo.

Wait, what’s that? Life doesn’t end after graduation? When you step off stage, you don’t plummet into a pit of doom and despair? That’s a relief.

However, with my time at Maryland winding down, I’m going to have to trudge through a few obstacles. Obstacles that might prevent me from walking across the stage at graduation. Seniors, if you encounter these problems, handle them with care as they might lead to your untimely demise.

OBSTACLE: Graduation party preparation.

Sometime around graduation, I will have the obligatory party. Yes, it will be a massive, egotistical celebration of my accomplishments, fueled by kegs of liquid gold, also known as Natural Light. Before this can happen, I’m going to have to tend to my yard as if I’m a professional grounds keeper. Why? As my mother told me today: “If the backyard isn’t put together, no party.” Her vision of “put together” means weeding (I’VE BEEN OUT HERE FOR HOURS WHERE DO THEY KEEP COMING FROM?!), mulching all the flower beds (When you think you have enough mulch, you never do), seeding and tending to the dandelion invasion where grass used to be, etc., etc. I think I’ll just lay down some AstroTurf.

DEATH VIA: Allergies.

OBSTACLE: Questions about your future.

Over the next few weeks, seniors will be posed with a series of questions that we’ll politely answer, but not without brooding inside. How do you feel about graduating? Do you have a job lined up? Do you have loans to pay out? What would you like to do? Are you moving back in with your parents? Every time I answer these questions, it really just brings a lot of awful realities to the forefront because quite frankly, I’m a little bitter about graduating. The field of journalism is a job-seeker’s dystopia, especially for someone whose resume and journalism skills are mediocre. I’ve got thousands of dollars worth of debt I’ll be assuming, but hey, at least I already live at home and don’t have to deal with that initial wave of depression (It was crushing, so be ready).

DEATH VIA: Drowning in my tears.

OBSTACLE: Squeezing out the alcoholic in you… by drinking excessively.

The old saying goes that when you’re in college, it’s OK to drink excessively, but you better get it out of your system. After college, you’ll be labeled an alcoholic. I think that saying is actually a challenge. At least, I hope it is because I’ve certainly accepted it. Stepping off that stage means late nights paper chasing and getting up to do it all over again in the morning. The days of hitting the bar on a Monday night, just because Garbage Buckets are $4, will be long gone. So take advantage of your relative freedom while you can and try to get out your inner wild child. It’ll make for an easier transition. Just don’t over do it as you might actually die or fail all of your classes, though, would that really be such a bad thing?

DEATH VIA: Exploding liver, strangulation by parents.

Forget it. This graduation thing is too stressful. If you need me, I’ll be in my bunker.

— Taylor Schwink is a senior journalism major and student blogger for The Diamondback


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